Water, water everywhere

Every time I see a commercial or program featuring scuba diving, my heart hurts.
There is nothing I like better than being weightless underwater, looking at beautiful coral, fish and other sea creatures going about their daily lives.
With a fragile spine and a bad case of chronic fatigue, I'm no longer healthy enough to suit up and spend some time in the closest place to Heaven I've been.
I am still a good swimmer. My family grew up swimming the clear rivers of Arkansas and Missouri and in swimming pools in my native Oklahoma.
We had a family membership at our YMCA and I took, and passed every swimming class they offered. I dabbled in water ballet and basically lived in the water.
As I got older I swam laps. A boyfriend's mother taught me to water ski in a local lake.
It was then the first of the symptoms of my disease presented itself.
After an afternoon of skiing and riding in the boat with my boyfriend and his family, I discovered I couldn't hold a glass in either hand without it shaking. My hands felt weak.
The next time that happened was in a self-service car wash. Holding the wand that shot high-powered water onto my car caused the same symptom.
Both instances were signals to stop doing both.
I could still swim though and nothing was more fun for me than being in the water.
In my twenties, I learned to scuba dive. My practice husband had already taken a class and was certified. He was a police officer and got me into an intense short class with firemen and other policemen. It was taught by Oklahoma City Fire Department's Dive Master at his assigned fire station and in his parents' swimming pool.
With my swimming background I passed easily. I only had one problem. I hated diving in Oklahoma lakes, most of which are man made and murky.
I used a lot of air in my open water dives, but I passed the class.
My husband and I booked a trip to Cozumel, Mexico, to try out our diving skills.
My first glimpse at that underwater world was amazing. The colorful coral and fish. The absolute clarity of the water.
It was like swimming in God's aquarium.
I was home.
Scuba divers travel with buddies and my husband/buddy was running low on air and needed to go up to the dive boat. I checked my air and had more than half a tank left.
Another couple had the same problem, so we switched. My new partner was another woman. We swam around and enjoyed ourselves until our time ran out and we came up together. I still had a quarter tank left.
I was an active diver for well over 10 years until my life changed dramatically.
My practice husband and I divorced. I still got to dive on a few cruises I went on as a travel writer.
Then, my body went into its first full flare. My RA, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, all of it, decided to have a convention in my body. I was miserable. I learned about back braces, infusions, genetic testing and the good and bad things steroids can do to you.
Any thought of doing anything on vacation but rest was impossible.
That went on for years.
There were a few months here and there where I thought I might be feeling better and I'd go visit someone. I don't think anyone I saw counted on a visitor who could sleep for 12 or 13 hours at a stretch and then want an afternoon nap.
Any time spent in the water then meant time in a not tub.
The last time I went diving was in May, 1997. I was on a cruise that stopped in Cozumel. I was alone and was assigned a buddy, and it turned out I was the most experienced diver there.
It was as awesome as I remembered. I think if I had known it was the last time I might have savored it more.
I went in and out of flares until 2006, when I was so sick I finally had to leave my job and go out on disability.
It's nine years later.
The damage done to my spine makes it really inadvisable for me to try to dive again and that kills me.
I actually dream about diving, but in my dreams I wear no equipment and can breathe underwater.
I can still swim laps but the only stroke I can do without pain is the breast stroke. I can float on my back and kick but using my arms hurts too much to do.
I do enjoy just floating on my back. With my whole body cradled in the water, if they could, my joints and vertebrae would sigh in pleasure.
So would I, if I could just go diving a few more times.